The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity so he asked… “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So she does… And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……”

2011 was an interesting year as I watch my kids get older and the new dog grow pretty quick I am continuously reminded of my own mortality.  I turned 30 this year which very quickly reminds you that you “ain’t no spring chicken” any more.  That being said I hit my target weight this year and as I write this now I am at 197.  I started this year > 250 so I feel like that even though I have gotten a lot older I am in better shape now than I have been for as long as I can remember.

Most of my endeavors this year have been related to making my body better by gaining endurance or something that effect.  And next year I want to do more of the same but also focus on the introspective things like stress and inter personal relationships.

So I have been giving a great deal of thought to my resolutions for this year and they go as follows:

1. To begin to understand/change my diet to reflect my activity level.

1.a. To run a sub 21 Minute 5k
1.b. To run a 1/2 Marathon

2. To be more introspective

2.a. To be a kinder and more forgiving person
2.b. To be less worried about what other are/aren’t doing and more focused on what I am/aren’t doing
2.c. To focus on spreading knowledge around

3.  To be more active in my web presence

3.a. To take a picture of myself every day for all 365 days
3.b. To post something technical to my blog at least 1 time per week
3.c. To build a site that represents my experience and portfolio and separate the jokes off from the technical stuff

4. To save more money and eliminate more debt

Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve acci

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, “What’s wrong with you honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old man said “Lady, I’m not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from”.

She said, “Well, if you’re not staring at my breasts sweetie, what are you doing then?”

He said, “Vell, I am looking and I’m looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride.”

… Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many adult beverages. Realizing full well that I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before – I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not even sure where I got this one.

He said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping and is at about -15 degrees and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in!!!

“Dad, what are you talking about?’” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer”, the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her”.

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like hell they’re getting divorced”, she shouts, “I’ll take care of this”.

She calls Arizona immediately and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
“Done! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished… Naturally, (since he was her husband.)
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

“Did you dance much ?”

“You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….”

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.”

He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones,McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schneider.”