The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.”

He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones,McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schneider.”

‘What majestic trees!’
‘What powerful rivers!’
‘What beautiful animals!’
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
‘Oh my God!’

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

‘You deny My existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. After all that, do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? If I do this for you, then am I to count you as a believer?’

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: ‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?’

‘Very well’, said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

‘Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.’

“Whoa, son, first one of us should swim around them a few times with one fin out of the water.”

After that was completed, the eager beaver wanted to dig in.

“Now,” counseled the wise one, “It is time for two or three of us to swim around them and each stick out a fin.”

Then eager beaver wanted to dig in, but again, a wiser shark said, “Now all of us should circle them for a couple laps with our fins out of the water.”

When that was completed, the kid asked what THAT was all about.

The wise pop told him, “They taste better when all the brown stuff is out of them!”

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’